So every once in a while someone would ask you this silly question, "If you could go back in time, what would you change?" And no one has actually asked that question of me in a while and for some reason I found myself thinking of it this morning as I walked out to class. As I passed by the 6th floor windows, looking out at the middle school and seeing the falling snow, I found myself discontent with the answer I had for that question. There is a lot about who I am and what I've done that I wish I could have done differently.

Going by school years, I can even go as far back as elementary school, where there are things I wish I could have done and been. I wish that I had been more proactive with friends. I was shy and a follower. I wish I had been able to break out of my shell and talk to more people, get to know more people, even at that elementary school level. And maybe if I hadn't been so shy I could have been one of the leaders of a group instead of just another member. If I had been a leader then maybe I wouldn't have to struggle so much now to be one. I work at it now, I try to do things where I can be in charge of something or have an opportunity to lead something. I see tutoring as one way, I am responsible for those who come to my group and its my job to help educate them. Even something as small as going to my Gryphon (RA) and asking if I could plan and lead a hall event. But maybe it wouldn't be so difficult if I had been more when I was younger.


Looking back at 6th grade, I don't really remember much of anything that happened that year. It was kind of a transit year. Out of elementary school but not quite in the middle school, it was a place where we had our first experience with pods. Being exposed to so many new people that year was good and I was forced to make more friends which fortunately I did, so I don't really have much to say about that year.

Ahhh, but then comes middle school, a wonderful two years filled with excitement and adventure. Well, not really, but still. Fortunately I made more friends, who would end up sticking with me for years to come, but of course the shyness persisted. At this point the shyness wasn't so much a problem at school but outside of school, at family gatherings, different events between out of school stuff and temple stuff I would be horribly alone when around people I didn't know and I just couldn't make myself talk to people, which I really wish hadn't been the case. But anyway, I digress. My problems with middle school aren't really having to do with what happened, but with how things happened. I do not regret any (or at least most) of my decisions and I am truly glad that certain things went as they did but sometimes the way I went about something was not done as it should have been done. Due to my shyness I couldn't approach people directly and was forced to go about things in a more impersonal manner and that was probably my biggest mistake throughout middle school. A few things done like that could have probably been much better had I used a more personal touch. But once again, I do not regret anything that happened, just the way I went about them.

Then comes high school and really, what can I say specifically about high school. It was definitely not the best years of my life but by no means was it my worst. It just kind of become more of the rest. All kinds of opportunities, some good decisions and plenty of bad ones. I may have learned quite from the academics but I definitely learned a lot from the social and extracurricular parts. Covering the extracurricular part first, band taught my quite a lot. My first foray into leadership, being a section leader, went quite well really. I am proud of the job I did and only wish that I could have had the opportunity to have done it longer. I also learned to be responsible for my actions, not leave anything half done, and don't do anything stupid. Deciding to quit clarinet choir junior year may have been one of the worst decisions ever. I am unlikely to do anything like that again anytime soon.
As for the social side of high school, I did pretty well with friends still but by then I knew most of the people that were going to be my friends with a few others trickling in and out. I also learned a lot about relationships, like during the Disney trip for band freshman year. Lesson learned: Don't kiss a girl only 3 days after meeting her. It won't turn out well.  That was one of the more interesting lessons and probably the one that sounds must unlike me but yea it happened and I wish it hadn't. At least my second true foray into the world of dating went a bit more smoothly than the first. Smoothly may not be the word I meant, it was more like I had a backbone this time. That may only make sense to myself but maybe someone who reads this will get what I mean.
I do not hate myself, or wish I had been a different person. I just wish that I could have been a person with slightly different qualities. Maybe the way I am is the way people like me, so maybe I'm just fine the way I am. But sometimes I just can't help but think.... and if you really know me.... you know just how bad that can get.

 Is officially a Peer Tutor for the Center for Academic Success at Lehigh University.

Imagine that, Evan Frisch helping to educate the budding, young minds attempting to grow at college.

Scary days, indeed.

 I always wondered if when I dream of you, do you dream of me too?

So I go to back to school really soon. In 3 days to be exact... Saturday for those who can't count out the days. I'm excited to go back and see my friends that I haven't seen all summer but also nervous. But I'm always nervous when it comes to things I'm not sure of. I'll be in a double this year and I mean I chose my roommate and Shawn and I get along well but I mean, we both were used to a single last year but I guess well manage. Also not used to a single bathroom for four people so well see how that goes.

Taking five classes this semester should be interesting too. I don't think it will be too bad. A challenge yes but I had plenty of free time the last two semesters so maybe now I'll just be doing more work. I'm not sure thats something I really want, but necessary... I guess. At least I'm not gonna double major so I don't have to scrounge up those extra credits. Since I'm going to go for a masters in math I don't think I necessarily need a whole degree in computer science.

Gotta love hidden messages.

 I feel awfully foolish for the memories my mind refuses to let go of...

 Two things tonight.

The first: As I was leaving work at 9:45 I saw two Target team members and I guess a gust standing by two cars trying to use one to jump start the other. I left like usual, taking note of it but ignoring it. The entire way home I was wishing that I had stopped at asked if I could have helped. Even if I couldn't have helped, I feel so guilty for not even offering.

The second: If I ever own a store I will be posting this message on the front door.

 So it seems a post a day died reeaaaalllllly fast. I have a good excuse though. Nothing happened friday morning that would have prompted anything to even be posted and then Priyanka was here til about 10 after our failed penne vodka dinner. After that I was real tired and went upstairs and read then slept. Then saturday was nonstop. Work from 8-3:30 and then party at Marzos after work and I didn't come home til like 11:30. And since I had work the next day it was straight to bed with me. And that brings us to today.

So in light of not seeing some friends enough this summer I was going to try to hang out with Marzolini this saturday being as I dont have to work that day but as it turns out weve been invited to a family friends college graduation party. Now I really dont feel like going since well, i havent been too friendly with the graduate or her sister in years. It just got awkward after a while of only seeing them once a year... And yea they came to my high school graduation party so I guess i'm socially obligated to go. But, I really dont stand by that. Im a very cold person with little attachment to family and obligations such as these. id much rather skip the party and just hang with my friends. So well see how that goes.

 In an effort to have an escape for some of the thoughts flying through my head I return to this LJ account as something of an escape. I will attempt to post once a day whether or not I want to. It doesnt have to be long it just has to get a thought down. A rant, or a statement or a philosophical question... something.

As I look at the news feed on my Facebook page I see just how many friends I once had. Some I still consider friends but when was the last time I talked to them. I would never hang out with them unless some giant hand in the sky pulled us both out of our lives and stuck us in some room and didnt let us out until we had talked our fill. How many people am I slowly going to lose from my life? Will there be more people to fill the holes?

As I pull myself away from the computer a voice asks me a question, "Why have I read so many mangas and why do I keep reading them?"

I laugh to myself and say "Because their entertaining of course!"

The voice then replies tartly, "Well why are so many of them romance mangas."

"...well....shit"

I currently have 24 mangas that I am waiting for new chapters on. I have finished reading 41 completely and have reread some of them more than once. I even have some inactive mangas, waiting for a scanner to pick them up again. Why do I keep reading them? Why are half of them romance themed.

When I read a manga that I enjoy I get so into the story. I feel like I am the protagonist, feeling their emotions, riding their life, letting the mangaka make all the decisions. I live vicariously through manga (how sad is that). And I can't get enough of it. When one ends I find myself searching for a new one or rereading one I enjoyed. What is so wrong with my own life that I can't be satisfied with reality. Is it the impossible situations I enjoy? The crazy action, unexpected twists, confusing romance that I so desire in my own life? 

And when I realize I am so hooked on romance ones, what does that mean? Can I not enjoy reality enough that I need to read and live through someone struggling with difficult choices? Do I enjoy watching a protagonist have to decide which girl to chose and which to hurt? Do i wish my life was exciting as those characters lives are?

Why can't I be happy with what I have?

I must be a misanthrope somewhere deep down inside me. I swear today I have been more angry at people ( in general and specifically) than I have ever been before. If i was homicidal there would not be enough sharp, pointy objects in this world to quell my rage. Fortunately for the human populace of hillsborough, I am, in fact, not homicidal.

Quick question: Is it totally unreasonable for me to not text my girlfriend while hanging out with friends? Because if I don't text every hour or so I get hell in a handbag for it. ( I totally used that wrong but I dont care. <.< -_- >.>) I want to give my attention to my friends, you can and do have my attention every other waking moment of my life, so back the fuck off.
That was rhetorical btw. I don't expect the non-existing people who actually read this to respond.

Would be cool if they did though. Right?

Anyway... well there is no anyway

Current Mood: angry

I have never so looked forward to a summer break and yet been so disappointed by its start. I mean don't get me wrong but it's just not quite what I want it to be. I spent the first week back hounding Target to get my job back for the summer. A lot of effort for a job I don't really want, but hey, in a commercial world I need money to do just about anything I want to do. And of course most people would say I've been pretty lucky to see my gf multiple times a week, which I will be honest and say its great. Things between us are really good right now and I'm not sad about seeing her i just wish I was seeing more of my other friends more often. But I guess as more come home that will happen more and more often. And those days I get to just relax at home and chill (which I throughly enjoy btw) theres a high chance that at least one of my parents will be home from work which means instead of having time to myself I get to spend it either bonding with my dad in the basement (which used to be my abode) or being hounded by mom to help with this or that. I thought that summer break was for me to relax, oh well, guess life didn't have that in store for me.

You know what's an odd feeling... being surrounded by friends yet having a feeling of loneliness. I by no means, have a lack of friends, I have plenty in fact. But I feel like I lack really good close friends. I mean I have my gf and shes wonderful as a close friend. I can, of course tell her everything, well almost, but thats one. I have one friend that I can literally tell everything to and have told everything to. They pretty much know anything that ever bothers me enough that I have to tell someone. The only issue is that we don't get to talk often enough so things get bottled up for too long before I get a chance to say them. Then I have one last friend who I like to talk to and wish I could talk to more openly but years of an, at best, odd relationship, i find it hard to open up to them about what I wish I could. The rest of my friends I couldn't talk to as much. I wish I had more really close friends that I feel I could just open up to. Especially since the physical distance between those close friends forces me to talk to them through impersonal methods which is helpful.

All this makes me wonder, does anyone really read this? I know I don't post often but does anyone read my ramblings? Even if you just read this one could you let me know? That would make my day life. It would be great to know that just anyone reads this. Thanks.